Sunday, 2 August 2015

Why I'm Voting For Stephen Harper

My name is J.C. I'm an average Canadian and I voted for Stephen Harper in 2004, 2006, 2008, 2011 and I'm getting ready to do it again in 2015.  Here's why.
In terms of being an average Canadian, there is just nobody who represents my interests, my values, and what I believe in more than Stephen Harper.  I believe there is a lot of danger in the world and he is the only one who can keep us safe and protect us.  When he's riding that ATV on the ice off Iqaluit, looking through those binoculars on a Canadian battleship in the Baltic Sea, or looking Vladimir Putin in the eye and telling him to get out of Ukraine, you know one thing for sure.  This is a tough guy.  He is a tough customer.  You don't want to mess with SJH.  Especially when he's got that black HBC 2010 Vancouver Olympics Canada sweater on.  I know that's what I wear whenever I'm not wearing a suit.  I'm on Team Canada!
Canada is a modern country with modern values and that's why we closed our embassy in an  theocracy like Iran.  And now we are bombing the evil islamic terrorists in ISIS that pose an existential threat to…Iran.  So we are against Iran and we are against ISIS.  Iran said Israel needs to be wiped off the map in 2005 and Israel is our friend.  Remember, if you get on Stephen Harper's bad side it's a lifetime grudge that's why we throw anyone who harms a police dog in jail for five years in Canada.  Anyway, there is no other principled nation on earth that defends the rights of radical extremist jewish settlers who carry assault rifles while they push their kids in strollers in the occupied palestinian territories as ardently as Canada.  The palestinian arabs they killed and displaced were all terrorists anyway.  Saudi Arabia is also an islamic theocracy and saudi money has been a big help to terrorist and non-terrorist palestinians.  The Saudi monarchy promotes a very conservative islamic ideology similar to ISIS and has held public beheadings in the country.  We did an arms deal with Saudi Arabia last year but are bombing ISIS. Can you keep it all straight? Stephen Harper is the only Canadian politician who is tough and takes a principled stance in this region -  the other guys just want to coddle and appease the terrorists.
I am proud to live in a country blessed with natural resources.  When Stephen Harper said he wanted to make our country as an energy superpower my heart swelled with pride.  Even if the kind of oil we sell, Western Canadian Select (WCS) trades at a discount to conventional North American oil, West Texas Intermediate (WTI), which trades at a discount to the crude price on international markets (Brent), and the price of all of these commodities has fallen 55% in one year, our economist prime minister is clearly an extremely intelligent guy who developed a very innovative and forward thinking economic policy.  I mean, he must be, right? The media always says how smart he is.  Our oil also risks to keep trading a discount because 0 new pipelines have been approved in 4 years of conservative majority rule, but don't worry, change is just around the corner.  It's like Harper said, right? You don't take no for an answer.
Canada is a beacon of freedom and democracy to the world.  That's why Stephen Harper is taking such pain to pick up the megaphone and tell the world so.  Our country is literally spending hundreds of dollars of taxpayer money building a huge, 80 foot statue of liberty knockoff in the middle of Cabot Trail National park on cape breton island (Mother Canada), her arms stretched out to the atlantic ocean and her ass facing Nova Scotia.  Or how about an avant garde, multi-edged monstrosity on public land in the middle of downtown Ottawa between our nation's most sacred institutions (parliament, the supreme court)?  That's our national memorial to all of history's victims of communism, who nobody before Canada ever thought to memorialize probably because it is impossible to determine how many people actually died from a political ideology.  But Canada does, that's who we are, and in case you didn't know that, well, just look smack in the middle of our capital.  We don't do subtlety in this country anymore.  We stand firm in our solidarity with millions of dead nationless, faceless, nameless, imaginary victims of communism.  Thank you Stephen Harper, for making your personal ideological score-settling something Canadians will have to explain for generations to come.  We can also count on Harper to stand up and be counted in our country's undying loyalty to the British Monarchy.  If that means spending tens of millions of dollars every year Prince Charles or Prince William decides to show up for "a visit", so be it.  If the other guys want to pick a pointless fight with the monarchist league of canada (14,000 members, median member age 88) let them. 
The other guys will bankrupt the country with their wacky policies.  This government has run deficits in 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 and...wait for it.  This year we have balanced the budget.  And we have passed a law that every Canadian government must balance the budget forever.  We do not listen to those eggheads at the bank of canada and the parliamentary budget office (which Stephen Harper created) who say that there will be a deficit this year because of weak oil prices.  We know we've got our priorities straight.  Anyone who asks you if it was worth it hasn't seen all those new curling rinks on the Saskatchewan prairie paid for from the funds of the "economic action plan"
And there's no government that's closer to our men and women in uniform, even though veterans have had to sue for benefits and the government has not managed to build any battleships in Halifax or Levis or order any new fighter jets since 2006.  I guess that must have been the Liberals.  And you can't trust any of the scientists, journalists, premiers, or academics out there.  They purposely distort our democratically-elected government's message.  They're the enemies.

It's been a great ten years and here's to another 3,650 days of Conservative majority rule!