Monday, 13 January 2014

The Five People You Meet in Annoying Heaven

Having earned 25 million dollars by 25, getting rich off the same boring, auto-tune schlock with original themes such as YOLO (You only live once...WOW), Drake has made it known he is just getting started.  From the rich part of town and already experienced as an actor on a cult series, the man oozes confidence and our vapid, degenerate society rewards him.  Cockiness and arrogance have led him to issue such proclamations as "I'm going for the $200 million play...whatever that is" and that "they (the City of Toronto) should put me on the payroll" for his role in attracting the NBA all star game and soccer players to the city - cockiness and arrogance which bring the city into disrepute, and which have been richly rewarded.  I for one wish he would limit his endeavours to his shitty music, instead of proclaiming himself spokesperson for my home town and complaining he's not getting money for it.  It would be nice if people who come from there could demonstrate they are able to think about things besides $$$ and themselves.

He couldn't just leave it at his decent acting performances in films like Milk and Pineapple Express.  Nope, being a decent actor who made it in Hollywood is just so pedestrian.  This guy's gotta host the oscars, write a novel, do a phd dissertation, star in a broadway play, direct a film, do a comedy central roast, be the world champion of selfies...DUDE WE GET IT OK? You are a superhuman, otherworldly intelligent genius who deserves our undivided and riveted attention at all times to witness your latest mind-blowing act of amazingness...except that you pretty much are horrible at doing everything I just described.  You are not that special James Franco - you are just an irritating guy who thinks he's smarter than everyone else and tries to show it by being so polyvalent.  Can you just get over yourself and be in some films? People who try too hard are really annoying...and more often than not, their efforts are not rewarded in kind

Excuse me? 300 lb Guy eating the 15 piece bucket driving a black escalade? You have had a negative effect on the last few years of my life.  Thank you for sinking our collective consciousness to a new low.  Thank you for destroying all societal conventions.  Thank you for populating the dark corners of our mind, making us OD on voyeurism and slowing-down-at-the-car-accident syndrome.  You make me think of Charlie Sheen in 2011, every day hitting a new low and with each new low getting in our faces even more until we just can't even believe this is still going on.  But it will happen - it happened to him, it happened to Paris Hilton in '05, I remember.  Fatigue will set in.  It always does.  One day nobody will care about this any more and this will all be a footnote.  That day cannot come soon enough.

Your stupid brother at least let his actions speak for themselves on many days of this saga.  On those days YOU were there, handing out straw man attacks to anyone who dared question him like you hand out $20 bills in the ghetto (Since your dumb ass probably doesn't know what a straw man is, its an arguing technique where you just attack someone's character or credibility instead of dealing with what is at issue).  You ensured that we were never given a moments peace from this whole sorry ass debacle.  You are your brother are those idiots everyone hates in high school: loud, boorish, uneducated jocks determined to be dumb because, who cares, they're rich?  I can't wait to see how nuclear you become for the provincial conservative leader now that you've blabbed to everybody what an awesome guy he thinks you are and that your his candidate

And finally, to my friend who through pride or in the name of love,  says mining companies don't pay enough taxes in the third world countries they operate in, people of earth must just think you're the sweetest thing sticking up for the downtrodden, you the $600 million dollar private equity guy and multi-national conglomerate rock star, my desire is that you move back to your own country, Ireland, and pay your own fookin taxes.

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