Tuesday, 21 January 2014

French Presidential Affairs - The Last Straw

"J'insiste que vous me preniez au serieux"

The phenomenon of society needing its most rich and powerful members to remind it that they are perverts, cheats, and deviants who possess the same earthly shortcomings as everyone else (the ability to throw caution and common sense to the wind and put their entire careers and livelihoods in peril to satisfy some short-term impulse to get their rocks off) is as old as the hills.  From JFK to Clinton and now Francois Hollande, there is no better way to sell papers than a scoop of the guy who is supposed to be leading the free world or rescuing the moribund economy or whatever grandiose phony action you like to ascribe to a head of state being caught taking the skin boat to tuna town.  This man who was elevated to the highest office in the land because of his great campaign or superior intellect or statesmanship or whatever is in fact...just a man, who like all other men has a mind strictly controlled by his sexual organ.  Ministerial briefings, phone calls with high-ranking members of the military, state dinners, economists droning on at the world economic forum - all this cool stuff you see on tv that real heads of state get to actually do - and this guy's daydreaming through all of that about his next extra-marital tryst.  Meanwhile if he was an average guy he could probably just get away with the damn affair, or at least have better chances of getting away with it, which is probably all he's wishing right now, that he was just that average guy, while sleepwalking through all this cool shit he gets to do that 99.99999999% of people will never get to do.  That is the great irony of this world.

And that brings me to my point.  Heads of State of the World, present and future, think of this as generational game-changing moment. Let's pretend I am addressing you all at the UN.  Let us remind ourselves once and for all that, as predictable as it is, this sorry spectacle we have to deal with each time a world leader gets caught with his pants down is not pleasant for anybody except the gossip magazine industry.  Let us acknowledge that men are weak, spineless, pathetic, degenerate creatures all, but that this behaviour is unbecoming of the presidential statuses we elevate them to.  Let us most of all exhort them to not carry on affairs, not because we judge them but because it is as inevitable as the sun rising tomorrow that the truth will be found out.  It is this irrefutable truth, that by nature affairs must be conducted when one is alone and a head of state is never, never alone, that makes this is outrageous.  How are the guys doing this and thinking they're not going to get caught? Such delusional, amateur reasoning is the real reason for outrage people, not some dumpy sourpuss getting lucky with women twenty years his junior.  It is on this basis that I propose to you today that presidential oaths henceforth contain a promise to go in the bathroom and wack it whenever necessary, by any means necessary, with whatever tools necessary, to avoid this sorry ass state of affairs.  This sacrifice is needed from our leaders - our society is already drowning in enough voyeurism and schadenefraude without their ridiculous escapades.

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